10 Reasons Why I Just Might Be Going To Hell

via Very Smart Brothas by The Champ on 6/23/11

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The odd, rageful, beautiful little book’s inspiration lies in the commingling of insipid bedtime story rhymes with the inner monologue of the wildly irritated parent: “The owls fly forth from the treetops./ Through the air, they soar and they sweep./ A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love. / For real, shut the fuck up and sleep.” The stylish parody relies for its humor and frisson on a certain level of frustration, an over- the- top, pent-up fury toward one’s children, because without that fury, it’s simply not that funny. The idea of saying “shut the fuck up” to a 3-year-old is hilarious and enthralling only if you are channeling an awful lot of that “hot crimson rage.”

This excerpt is from Katie Roiphe’s recent review of Go the F**k to Sleep — a snarky, smart, and sarcastic “children’s book for grown-ups” that’s currently sitting at the top of Amazon.com’s bestsellers list.

While I’m sure the book is a funny read, a huge part of its popularity definitely has to do with its perversely hilarious (or hilariously perverse) title.

As Roiphe points out in her review, it’s definitely not right to tell a toddler to shut the f*ck up. But, anyone who’s ever had a child or a young sibling has undoubtedly had a similar thought go through their head before…and probably also followed that thought with “Damn. I’m really tempted to just chuck this kid in the closet right now. Does this mean I’m going to Hell?”

This thought isn’t limited to child raising though. We all have relatively insignificant things that we regularly do and ideas that we ponder that sometimes border on the “Damn. I must be an evil motherf*cker” fence; shit that, if we actually do end up going to Hell, the demon bouncers at the door can run on a video loop for us like “See? This is exactly why you’re here.”

Here’s 10 things that might be on my eternal damnation mixtape.

1. While driving, I occasionally become the most racist, sexist, homophobic, jingoistic, and just generally misanthropic person on the planet

Have you ever — in your head — cussed out a blind man in a wheelchair because he took maybe 1.5 seconds too long to cross the street? No? You’ve never done this, never called him a “blind, black, sh*tf*cker“…in your head? Never asked him — in your head — why he wasn’t at “…some home for blind, black, bastards instead of trying to cross city streets?” No?

Well, I have.

2. If I’m washing my hands and my girlfriend’s cat happens to be within 10 feet of me, I splash him with water

He hates it sooooo much too. Seriously, it’s like each drop of water is 5,000 volts of electricity.

3. I think about things while at Church that no decent man should ever think about

Because I still want to have a girlfriend after today, I think I’ll pass on writing out some of these thoughts. Lets just say, though, that I sometimes except to get hit with a bolt of lightning as soon as I leave

4. I occasionally (and intentionally) take 15 to 20 items to the 12 items or less line at Giant Eagle

Trust me, you haven’t lived until you’ve tried to convince a 15 year old cashier that 10 bottles of Gatorade should really count as one item.

5. I lie to homeless people

Thing is, I do actually give money more times than not. I’d say I give 70 percent of the time that I’m asked while I have cash on me. But, there’s that other 30% where I’m either turned-off by the approach, in a hurry, or just don’t feel like taking the effort to go into my pocket, and I turn into a 6 foot, black Pinocchio.

6. I occasionally speed for no good gotdamn reason

If you’re ever driving through Pittsburgh and you’re wondering who’s the asshole in the white 2011 Charger that’s racing people from stoplight to stoplight (While always staying within a respectable range of the speed limit. It’s not a game with my “speeding as much as the law allows me” game), it might not be me, but, well…it probably is me.

***I’m also very aware that driving a Charger could very well make me a douchebag, especially when considering the fact that, out of all the people I know with them, I have the least amount of kids (none), tattoos (only two) and cartons of Muscle Milk in my trunk (none also).***

7. I regularly pee in public

I once even peed while standing in line for a club, an act that was both completely disgusting and completely genius advertisement¹.

8. I say “BRB” and “BBL” even if I have absolutely no intentions on coming back

Sometimes, I just don’t feel like going through the chat goodbye motions with everyone. And, when I’m feeling especially lazy, I just cut and paste the same “brb” message in everyone’s window

9. On the rare nights where I do decide to pray before going to bed, I usually fall asleep in the middle of the prayer

Seriously, I can’t even remember the last time I made it through the entire prayer. Now, mind you, my prayers tend to be on the long side. I have a routine and I try not to leave anyone out, but lately I haven’t even been making it past the “down” in the “Now I lay me down to sleep” intro.

10. I drink everything from the carton, take bites of pieces of chicken and put them back in the bowl, leave my spoon in the carton of ice cream in the fridge, and double-dip chips

What? F*ck you. It’s my food.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, can you think of any reason why you just might be going to Hell? Any clips that the demon greeters will play on repeat when you ask them “How the hell did I get here?

¹Why? Well, even if you’re not particularly well-endowed, the women in line with you will subconsciously appreciate the balls and Hakuna Matata-ness it takes to do something like that, and it could very well lead to a truck party later

—The Champ

If you haven’t already, check out “Conflicted Christians and Eager Undergrads,” this week’s edition of The Champ’s advice column at Madame Noire.

Also, don’t forget your VSB duty to help keep Panama off the block and The Champ on the wagon and buy “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime”

Related posts:

  1. 10 More Reasons Why You’re Not Married
  2. Three Possible Reasons Why Online Dating’s Just Not That Into Black People
  3. four completely practical and non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date a white woman

Aw Hell, The BET Awards Came On Again

via Very Smart Brothas by Panama Jackson on 6/26/11

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I've really got to meet more white people so I can do MTV instead.

I remember a few years ago, BET seems to have begun to turn a corner. The Awards show which had long been associated with pure f*ckery and general shame had almost gained a bit of legitimacy.

But with Twitter at its apex, BET decided to have as much ridamndiculousness as possible this year. And you know what that means: Black Twitter almost exploded. Luckily BET always has a gospel segment which is where 90 percent of people check out and go to the bathroom, buy some drugs, or call their mothers.

By the way, as I’m writing this I just heard somebody say that Patti LaBelle’s voice is the most powerful voice on earth. Ain’t that right, boo? #true

Anyway, I had no intention of writing about the BET awards, but since I decided to watch it, I feel compelled because of the amount of f*cksh*t I’ve observed. So allow me to tell you about a little of it…my observations.

Why did Cee-lo put on a porcupine, feather, cap wig and purple shoes…THEN have the nerve to curse while wearing the gayest pastor coat in history?

Marsha Amborsius – bless her heart – has no booty whatsoever. I often wonder if women with no booty go to sleep every night and hope to wake up with a booty. Not even a big ole ass, just something well proportioned to the rest of her body. I’m a formerly Black man (thanks to Cee-lo and his get up I quit the Black race) so the hindparts are necessary to some extent. Marsha does have nice legs though with her spray on tan.

What the f*ck was up with everybody singing off key? It’s like everybody forgot to do a sound check AND the sound engineer quit right before the show over money. Alicia Keys sounded a little more of husky voice than usual AND was off key. Basically she sounded like The-Dream if he were to ever hit puberty.

Speaking of WTFness, what was up with all the profanity during the show? Aren’t they supposed to do the clean versions of songs? And if you’re going to do that for a Black awards show, you need a 30 second delay, not a 2 second delay like they were using. I feel like my TV cursed me out. And I didn’t like it. Stop it, television. I bought you TAKE THE FADE N*GGA!!!! TAKE THE FADE!!!!

I love how Chris Brown made a joke at his own expense. I really think that Chris Brown can totally redeem his career if he keeps on putting out dope music (which he’s been doing) and learns to enjoy life and laugh at himself and stays far and far away from all forms of social networking that don’t require him to run his words through at least 2 PR reps and a white woman.

Ain’t gonna lie to you, I’d marry Patti LaBelle right now. Jill Scott too. Oh and by the way since we’re talking about necks (we are now), can somebody find Gladys Knight’s neck? Did a Pip take it?

I don’t know if you all know how much I hate Kelly Rowland’s song “Motivation”. But I do. A lot. I think she sounds like pure D sh*t singing on it. And yet, her live rendition was…well, dope. She gave one of the better vocal performances that I’d seen during the night. Amazing. I’d totally bang her out.

Johnny Gill. Stop it.

Steve Harvey, for all of the non-sense we attribute to him really is worthy of getting an award for being a humanitarian. He hasn’t personally made my life any better but I’m sure somebody’s gotten further along because of him. And dude really does care about family values and manhood. It’s why he’s keeping so many women single…so he can focus on the men. <—-its like I just praised him AND threw him under the bus at the exact same time. Panama? Stop it.

I don’t care what anybody says, Rick Ross looked like he lost 738 pounds with that white Louis Vuitton suit he had on. I could barely see him. He was like a sliver of his former self. Wait…what?

The Nicki Minaj and Justin Beiber exchange was about as awkward and inappropriate as you can get at an awards show before somebody calls the police. Between that and Lil Wayne et al. bringing out a bunch of 12 year olds while singing, “…I wish I could f*ck every girl in the world…” last year (or a few years ago whenever), the entire Young Money camp needs to be on somebody’s watchlist. Not like a terrorist list, but a list nonetheless.

That poor Viewer’s Choice winner announcer, I won’t even add her name here…man she f*cked up so royally. Like, there are f*ckups but then there are f*ckups like she had. Thing is I couldn’t even tell who’s fault it was. I think I’ll just blame BET, because well, anytime BET is a possible culprit, it’s BET’s fault. Thing is…after she f*cked up and knew she f*cked up…she should have said something like, “go f*ck  yourself San Diego”, “Dip Set b*tch” or “Suck it” then threw the mic on the ground and walked off. You know you’ve done bad when even Drake won’t hug you and sing you a song about his insecurities.

This Beyonce performance sh*t was SUCH a copout but genius marketing move on her part. She doesn’t have to do anything but add an extra camera to her set to stream back to the BET awards. All it cost her was a “what’s up BET” shoutout. Oh well, that’s why BET stays losing. That and because Debra Lee buys her dresses from Lowe’s. Add to the fact that this was CLEARLY not live since ya know, its like 4am in London town when that aired.

Speaking of Beyonce, and I feel like we mentioned this here before…she might be the hottest celebrity that I have no desire ever to want to see naked. I’d be much more inclined to see Kelly in the buff with her legs reaching for the sky than Beyonce. She has like zero sex appeal to me. That is odd, like a Lil Wayne outfit. By the way Wayne, Andre 3000 called, he asked if you’d stop stealing his 1998 steez and be original.

I think that’s enough for now…sound off. I know you watched the Awards….good, bad, ugly?

What were your observations?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka BLACKASAURUS JONES aka GIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

 

 

 

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  2. The “GTFOH!” Awards
  3. 10 Reasons Why I Just Might Be Going To Hell

Video: The Rich & Black Chronicles: Raekwon & Nas (Part 3)


Video: The Rich & Black Chronicles: Raekwon & Nas (Part 3)


The latest installment of L-R-G’s Rich & Black Chronicles.


Here is more conversations with Raekwon and Nas backstage in Oslo, Norway. Nas talks about rolling around with Rae, and running into some beef back in the day. He also talks about his Egyptian chain made by Jacob the Jeweler.


Previously: Raekwon ft. Nas – Rich & Black (Video) | The Rich & Black Chronicles: Raekwon & Nas (Part 2)




-JDH