Why You Should Never Defend, Explain or Justify

via Most Popular Entries on HuffingtonPost by Russell Bishop on 3/7/11

Why do some people seem to be forever defending, explaining or justifying themselves? Do you enjoy being around this person? Are you one yourself?

Quite the opposite from the critics who have been the subject of recent articles on complaints and criticism, this person becomes tiresome not because of a string of complaints, but more because of the somewhat toxic nature of self-defense.

Years ago, as the personal transformation wave was cresting via large group seminars, several of us started using a made-up word to highlight the toxic nature of self-defense and explanation: dexify. The word even seems to connote something toxic all by itself.

Certainly, someone who engages in dexification (there's another use that may suggest something kind of dark) seems to be sliding down a spiraling path of negativity. What's so negative about defending yourself, you might ask?

On the one hand, nothing really, especially if there's something there to defend. However, I am not referring to the kind of self-defense you might need when wrongly accused of something, especially something heinous or criminal. However, there's a difference between that kind of self-defense and the more common defend-explain-justify behavior that many of us seem to engage in almost daily.

To be fair, I know I have certainly done my fair share of dexification. The main problem in day-to-day life is that when you choose to dexify, you almost always sound guilty-as-charged. I know that when I find myself in justification mode, there's almost always some part of me that feels insecure about the area, perhaps even wondering-fearing-believing that it must be true.

There may well be several moving parts here, but allow me to underscore a critical aspect that may be operative and why dexification is usually not all that helpful. The worst possible scenario might be that the criticism is accurate and I'm simply digging myself a deeper hole by dexifying.

Some time ago, I wrote an article on this subject, citing a lesson learned from Bucky Fuller about how we can benefit from our perceived enemies. The gist of the story: after a wonderful lecture on the value of seeking to understand and be understood, Bucky took questions from the audience. One gentleman took the microphone and proceeded to tell Bucky that he was full of beans, didn't know what he was talking about, and had no basis for his point of view. Bucky considered the comment, and replied, "Thank you."

After a couple of more rounds of this kind of exchange-attack, wherein the gentleman kept going after Bucky, trying to provoke a reaction, Bucky taught us all a great lesson in self-awareness by saying something like this:

Did you not notice that each time I paused to consider what you had to say? I looked inside myself to see if some part of me was reacting to what you had said about me, particularly if some part of me were upset, prone to counterattack, or otherwise affected. I have found that when I am in that kind of reaction, there is typically something there for me to learn about myself, something for which I need to improve. In this instance, I found no reaction. Thus, you were simply sharing your opinion to which you are fully entitled and with which I have no argument. Therefore, "Thank you" seemed most appropriate.

Indeed, Bucky Fuller demonstrated considerable self-awareness and personal integrity throughout his life, and this little exchange has been a guiding light for me for years. Learning to see the reaction inside myself as feedback about me, pointing out areas of growth, not something to be defended, has been both expansive and liberating for me.

I have learned that when I feel the need to dexify myself, some part of me is almost always of the opinion that they must be right and I must be wrong. The defending, explaining and justifying never seems to change anything and, instead, tends to anchor me more deeply in the issue that needs to be addressed.

If you recognize this tendency in yourself, here's a little tip that I have found personally useful whenever I have the courage to use it. Courage, by the way, is an interesting word that typically means something about physical or mental strength or bravery. Its roots, however, go to the Latin and French words for "heart." I have heard it said that the suffix of the word, "age," means something like "wisdom." If you put the two together, you get "the wisdom of the heart."

The next time you find yourself under attack and are about to resort to dexification, consider the wisdom of your own heart. Look inside yourself to your own reactions. If, like Bucky, you find yourself in reaction mode, consider that there might be a kernel of truth here for you, perhaps an entire bushel-full. If there is something there, then draw a bit more on that source of heartfelt wisdom and dive into the question even further, perhaps saying something like, "That's very interesting. Can you say some more about what you see or how you see this playing out in my behavior?"

I know that for many this seems somewhere between silly and incomprehensible. Why on earth would you invite even more criticism, especially in an area where you might already feel uncomfortable?

It's simple, really. You just might learn something that will liberate you. You may find yourself growing in confidence and inner strength as you choose inquiry over dexification. You might also wind up closing a gap between you and the other person. After all, it does take great courage to step closer in the face of criticism, and your sincere inquiry may melt away something that prevents you from being even more effective.

***

Please leave a comment here or drop Russell an e-mail at Russell@russellbishop.com.

If you want more information on how you can apply this kind of reframing to your own life and how you can take simple steps that may wind up transforming your own life, download a free chapter from Russell's new book, "Workarounds That Work."

You can buy "Workarounds That Work" here.

Russell Bishop is an educational psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant based in Santa Barbara, Calif. You can learn more about his work by visiting his website at www.RussellBishop.com. You can contact him by e-mail at Russell@russellbishop.com.

WATCH: Jon Stewart Calls Out Fox News' Hypocrisy

via Comedy on HuffingtonPost.com by The Huffington Post on 3/4/11

Thursday night's "Daily Show" featured Jon Stewart doing what he does best: calling out hypocrisy in the media. After a segment on the intensified battle between Gov. Scott Walker and Wisconsin unions, Stewart took a look at how Fox News was reporting on the story, specifically compared to how they covered similar threats to the Bush tax cuts and bailed-out bank CEOs' salaries.

Stewart showed plenty of pundits saying that when it comes to taxing those who make $250,000 a year, you're taxing people who are "not rich" and even "close to poverty" if they have a family of four with kids in college. But when it comes to teachers in Wisconsin, the same pundits say they, as government employees, should expect to see cuts in their ample $50,000 a year salary plus benefits.

In other discussions on Fox News, cuts in teachers' salaries were compared to those of Wall Street executives. Megyn Kelly argued teachers don't deserve as much money because they "don't work as much." Stewart totally understood:

"See the difference? Regardless of the greed-based, almost slightly sociopathic job bankers did wrecking our economy, those people were there every single day, 12 months a year. Not that nine month bullsh*t!"

Stewart took it even further by showing another level of hypocrisy. Clips showed the same people on the network who agreed with the government limiting teachers' benefits also said that limiting the salaries of government bailed-out CEOs would be detrimental to the industry and "isn't a good way of attracting talent in the future."

"Absolutely, we have got to pay those bailed-out firm CEOs top dollar! Otherwise, those companies could wind up being run by a couple of jacka**es who f**k things up so royally, it torpedoes the entire global economy!"

We wouldn't want that to happen, now would we? Watch the full segment below.

WATCH:


The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Crisis in the Dairyland - For Richer and Poorer - Teachers and Wall Street
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogThe Daily Show on Facebook


Video: @LilWayne Addresses Jay-Z’s H.A.M. Line Thanks for being REAL !!

via Nah Right by Dre on 3/2/11

Sway asked Lil Wayne for his thoughts on Jay-Z’s ‘baby money’ line in “H.A.M.” that Birdman took offense to.

“Actually, the subject that he’s talking about in that line, I can’t box with the god with that… Given my wit and the type of person I am, I’ll capitalize and play off of it.”

He says Kanye personally played him the track in a session, but he didn’t ask Kanye to elaborate on the line.

ANY GOOD? Pharoahe Monch feat. Styles P & Phonte – Black Hand Side

via Nah Right by Dre on 3/3/11

Off Monch’s forthcoming LP, W.A.R. (We Are Renegades), out March 22nd via Duck Down.

Tracklist after the jump. Album features appearances & production from Royce Da 5’9″, Jill Scott, Mr. Porter, Jean Grae, Marco Polo, Diamond D & more.

Pharoahe Monch ft. Styles P & Phonte – Black Hand Side | Nukeshare

Previously: Video: Pharoahe Monch – The Warning (ft. Idris Elba)

1. The Warning feat. Idris Elba (produced by Pharoahe Monch)
2. Calculated Amalgamation (produced by Lion Share Music Group)
3. Evolve (produced by Exile)
4. W.A.R. feat. Immortal Technique & Vernon Reid (produced by Marco Polo)
5. Clap (One Day) featuring Showtyme & DJ Boogie Blind (produced by M-Phazes)
6. Black Hand Side featuring Styles P & Phonte (produced by Mike Loe)
7. Let My People Go (produced by Fatin “10″ Horton)
8. Shine featuring Mela Machinko (produced by Diamond D)
9. Halie Selassie Karate featuring Mr. Porter (produced by Sam I Am)
10. The Hitman (produced by M-Phazes)
11. Assassins featuring Jean Grae & Royce Da 5’9 (produced by M-Phazes)
12. The Grand Illusion (Circa 1973) featuring Citizen Cope (produced by Adam Deitch & Eric Krasno)
13. Still Standing featuring Jill Scott (produced by M-Phazes)

Tracklist via HHDX

#ThursdaySex – What Guys REALLY Want (And What They’re Afraid To Tell You)


Sex – What Guys REALLY Want (And What They’re Afraid To Tell You)

When it comes to sex, every guy has their preferences. However, there are some things that pretty much every guy wants a woman to do. The thing is, there are so few guys that actually want to tell their lovers what they want! Ladies, while reading his mind is pretty much impossible, take these cues to find out what your guy likes – and then surprise him with his secret sex fantasy!


They Want A Girl Who Will Masturbate (In Front Of Him)


Some women feel that it’s the guys’ job to make her feel good. Most guys don’t have any problem providing their partner with a mind blowing orgasm, however, sometimes they wish that a girl would take charge of her own sexual pleasure. Ladies, it requires at least a little effort on your part to get yourself in the mood, so why not take it a little further?


A lot of guys (okay, most) would love to watch their girl masturbate, especially if she had no idea he was there watching. What is so hot about this is that during female masturbation, he gets to watch you touch yourself exactly how you like to be touched. There’s no guessing if it’s the right thing or it feels good. He gets to see first hand what really turns you on and it will turn him on like wild fire!


They Want To Watch – In The Mirror


Guys are visual creatures – that’s pretty much a given. A lot of men enjoy watching porn for that specific reason, but does that mean that they enjoy watching the other women because they’re hotter than you or because they turn him on more than you? Absolutely not! In fact, your guy would probably give his eye teeth to actually watch you and him getting it on!


Filming a naughty video together is great fun, but there’s always the risk that it will get out, especially if you and your man don’t work out in the end. Instead, surprise him by installing a full length mirror in your bedroom – the bigger, the better. Allow him to watch you getting it on – he’ll love getting to watch it in real time, as it’s happening and he’ll love getting to feel exactly what he’s seeing. Try lots of different

-JDH

Sent from my iPhone

Finally I Have A Reason to Dust Off The Wii: “We Dare”

via violet blue ® :: open source sex by violet on 2/28/11

LOVE this commercial! Spank him! “Ubisoft’s new Europe based Nintendo Wii game “We Dare” encourages exercise and activity in front of the TV…and in the bedroom.”

Ubisoft describes We Dare (ubi.com), “We Dare is a sexy, quirky, party game that offers a large variety of hilarious, innovative and physical, sometimes kinky, challenges. The more friends you invite to party, the spicier the play!”

Read the full game description, then check the bottom for the rating: as described above it’s a European game and so was rated by their system. So of course you’re going to see a lot of this in the press about We Dare this week:”A RAUNCHY game for the Nintendo Wii has outraged parents who say it promotes orgies and lesbian sex to kids as young as 12.” (thesun.co.uk)

(“Dust off the Wii” can be a euphemism for anything you like.)

WTF is wrong with you people? Seriously - Several states propose birther legislation

Several states propose birther legislation
AP/Charles Dharapak
President Barack Obama speaks during a bi-partisan meeting of governors in the State Dining Room of the White House.

Georgia is the latest state to propose legislation that questions whether President Barack Obama was born in the U.S., joining 10 other states who have measures that want more proof before his name is put on the 2012 ballot.

Even though Hawaii officials have repeatedly confirmed Obama's citizenship, his birth certificate has been made public and courts have rebuffed challenges, the so-called "birther" issue hasn't gone away.

Georgia Rep. Mark Hatfield, a Republican, said he still doesn't know if Obama is eligible to serve as president, and 92 of his GOP colleagues and one Democrat support the bill introduced Monday.

"Most people feel it's an issue to a significant enough portion of our population that it needs to be addressed by the state," Hatfield said. "It is, in a sense, a response to ... the sitting president and his inability or unwillingness to release his original birth certificate."

So-called "birthers" have contended since 2008 that Obama is ineligible to be president. They argue he was actually born in Kenya, his father's homeland. They have also not been satisfied with the "Certification of Live Birth" Obama has released, which is a digital document.

Hatfield's bill would require a certified copy of Obama's original birth certificate be provided.

University of Georgia political scientist Charles Bullock said the issue was likely more about politics.

"It could be that this individual really does doubt that Barack Obama was born in this country, despite evidence to the contrary," he said. "There are also people who think we have never sent astronauts to the moon. Or, the legislator may not have any real qualms, but figures this may play very well with his constituency in the district back home."

A handful of states, including Georgia, have proposed similar bills since Obama was elected, but five more states joined them during the current legislative session.

"This attention to the citizenship of presidential candidates is a fairly new issue that I'm seeing more of this year," said Jennie Bowser of the National Conference of State Legislatures.

In Georgia, state Rep. Calvin Smyre, an Obama supporter and former president of the National Black Caucus of State Legislators, was exasperated.

"I thought we had gotten that behind us as a nation. I think that's a step in the wrong direction," Smyre said.

Top Republican leaders, including former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and House Majority leader Eric Cantor, have also said Obama's citizenship is not an issue.

A Georgia House committee was expected to take up the proposal this week, and there's already enough support to pass that body. The Senate's approval is less clear.

"It is unfortunate that some people continue to fight the Civil War," said Senate Minority Leader Brown. "We should learn from history that this kind of behavior is bad for business. It's bad for the image of the state and at the end of the day, it doesn't accomplish anything."

The 10 other states with pending bills include: Arizona, Missouri, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Texas, Connecticut, Indiana, Nebraska, Tennessee and Maine. The measure has failed this year in Montana.