VERY HAPPY TO REBLOG: Dear Comcast, I Motherf*cking Hate You

via Very Smart Brothas by Panama Jackson on 10/9/12

[This is not a post. This is a cry for help, perhaps. Or a way for me to vent to tons of people at once. Or more likely, a way for somebody to say what so many people want to say to a company that obviously gives no f*cks. So f*ck them. I hope this somehow ends up in their corporate office. The vitriol is real.]

Dear Comcast,

I think that you are the worst run and most incompetent company in America. Which is saying something because I live in Washington, DC, home of Pepco, which is often rated as one of the least-liked companies in America. Comcast, you make me think of Pepco as a wonderful entity because they provide me light. And electricity that I partake of to use your service which would be fine if it wasn’t for the ignoramuses you have employed with your company. I hate your company so much that I’ve entertained the thought of drilling holes through my lovely home JUST so that I could sign up for Verizon/DirectTV and sign my life away to a contract. I just may call them and offer my eternal allegiance to them just so that I don’t have to use your service. Robert Johnson is alleged to have sold his soul to the devil in order for this exemplary bluesman talents.

Well, I have no talents. But you motherf*ckers have what I need. A check for $129.40 that you all have been “sending” to me for the past two months. Where did we go wrong, Comcast? Where did we go wrong.

Lucky for you, I’m going to tell you, you petulant and indignant bastards.

It all started in June of 2012. This is when I moved out of my apartment and into my new home. On June 26, 2012, I cancelled my service with you all. It was on this date that I returned my equipment (one HD-DVR box and one digital box along with 2 remotes and a cable modem) to your location on Michigan Avenue, NE, in Washington, DC. You know the one, the one where nobody can quite figure out how to get there unless you accidentally make a turn you think is illegal until you realize that holy sh*t, THIS is how I get back there?? Yeah that one under the Metro tracks.

Comcast, I like Metro more than you and, again, in DC, that’s saying something. There are entire websites and Twitter feeds dedicated to how much WMATA’s Metro sucks. And I’d wine and dine Metro and suck her toes and whisper sweet nothings that mean a whole lot of something in her ear JUST for the chance to boot your company to the moon. Moving on.

After returning all my equipment – on that date – I provided my new address to your employee who informed me that because I’d just paid my bill, I was entitled to a refund seeing as you pay in advance for cable service.

Aw. That’s nice. I like refunds. Ask the IRS. I like them more than you too and they TAKE my money. F*ck you.

Anyway, I’m informed that I should receive my check for my refund in about 6-8 weeks. Okay. No problem. Thank you lady at the Comcast center. That is June 26, 2012.

Well, at my new home I attempted to get DirectTV but was informed that I’d have to drill holes in my nice new walls since the front of my home faces away from where the dish would need to face. Fiddlesticks. Since my new home is pre-wired, I figured why do that to the walls who have done nothing to me. Despite what would have been about $130/month in savings I called you, Comcast, back, to establish service. This is in July of course. The day you all were supposed to come out and install my service, you informed me that you couldn’t. Since I was the first person to move into this particular block of houses, you all had not come to tap the line or whatever jargon you all use, which means that I’d need to wait until that was done before I could set up another appointment to get service installed.

That’s not your fault, I don’t think. Or at least I’m giving you a mulligan on that one.

You came, you saw, you conquered. I set up another appointment to get my service installed and the gentleman shows up, installs the service. That was nice of him. He came within the 2 hour window you prescribed. I’m only telling you this to point out that I realize all of your employees don’t sh*t the bed. But I called you all back out to get another television hooked up. I had a 330-530pm window.

He didn’t show. I call and I’m informed that they have no idea why the dude didn’t show up nor why he didn’t call but I was given a $30 credit.

Oh, heavens me. I forgot one vital point of my initial set up of service. When I spoke to the customer service rep, he informed me that I’d get a $100 credit for signing up that day. I called to verify a few days later and not only was I told that I wasn’t going to get that credit, they had no clue what I was talking about. Oh dear me. These fools tell me that they have to go back and listen to the tape to see if I was indeed offered that credit. Which they did and I was. They apologized for that mistake.

It is now, August and I receive a bill from my old place. What I think is a check is a bill for something like $400. It’s August remember. I shut my service off in June. So I politely call to inquire as to why I’d be receiving a bill at a residence I no longer maintain for service that was shut off over a month ago. According to the woman on the phone, sometimes they pre-issue bills.

Huh? What the f*ck does that mean? Why would you do that. I shut my service off in June and you ran me a tab for July anyway? Why does this make sense. Actually, who gives a f*ck, could you please take care of it.

Her reply? Well, sir, I think you should go ahead and pay the bill and IF WE OWE YOU A REFUND, WE’LL SEND IT TO YOU.

Scrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So let me get this right. You want me to pay for service that I didn’t use, at a place I no longer live, for an account that I shut down over a month ago…and IF YOU OWE ME A REFUND, YOU’LL SEND IT TO ME??? This makes sense to you?

Her: Sir, I realize it may sound a little odd, but that’s my recommendation.

Me: Ma’am, I need you to say that out loud to me. What you just told me to do. I need you to say it, in that order THEN tell me it makes sense coming from your mouth. You see where I closed the account right?

Her: Yes sir, and I understand, but that’s the only way to avoid going to collection.

Me: (at this point, I’ve reached boiling point, extinction level event) You’re threatening my credit right now when you all are the ones who have TOTALLY screwed up here? And you want me to wait for a refund? Wait…you all ALREADY OWE me a refund on this account. Can you see it?

This is August remember, still short of my 6-8 week timeframe, but August.

Her: No sir, it shows here that you owe us $400.

Me: Yo, there is no way in f*ck I’m paying that money when YOU have proof in your system that I closed the account.

We went back and forth, Comcast, for a few minutes on this one with her finally telling me that she understood my pain since she herself had trouble with her Comcast account when she moved. Hmm, f*cking your own employees over are you?

Well, I called back a week later and that was all straightened out and I received a notice in the mail saying that I was owed my refund of $129.40.

Well, maybe around the 15th of August, I placed a phone call to your wonderful company to inquire about my refund. You know, its status and where it was. I really wish I had all of these employees names. I truly do. Because some of the people I spoke to were about as bright as Allen in The Hangovers I and II. Well, this first chap I, after about 20 minutes of going back and forth, initially told me that there was no record of my refund, but THEN informed me that it had been sent out July 30.

He said it was sent to my old address and if I haven’t received maybe the post office realized it was a check and didn’t want to forward that to my new address so they sent it back to Comcast so that they could re-issue me a new one.

That’s what he said. He ACTUALLY said this to me. I wasn’t aware that the mail handlers were clairvoyant OR had the authority to check to see if they were sending checks through the mail then send them back to Comcast since they knew I moved and didn’t want anybody else to get my check. Aww. That was nice.

This fool asked me to wait a little bit longer. So I did. I waited until about September 7th. When I called your illustrious company again and had another 45 minute conversation with a CSR and a manager who informed me that my check was indeed sent out on July 30th and she’s sorry it hadn’t made it to me, but noted my correct new address and informed me a new check would be sent out immediately.

Stop me if you know where this is going, Mr. Comcast.

Sure enough, LAST Monday I placed ANOTHER call to your call center, this time in Mexico where I spoke with Diego and his manager for an hour. I kept the phone on speaker this time so that all of the people in my home could hear this conversation. Diego was nice, I liked him. Please give him a raise.

His manager on the other hand, whose name escapes me, told me two different versions of the same story.

Version 1: The 6-8 week processing time STARTED on July 30 so my check should be reaching my mail box any day now. That was last week by the way. It has not. It is now October 10, a solid 9 weeks past the time it should have reached my residence ASSUMING you inglorious bastards waited a cool 6 weeks actually START to process my check. However, before he gave me version 1, he gave me version 2…which makes me think version 1 was to cover his ass…

Version 2: According to our records your check was sent out on July 30, but it can take up to 8 weeks to actually reach your home.

Stop.

I had to seriously stop and ask him this question, no less than 5 times, mind you:

Me: Sir, are you telling me that a piece of mail coming from Comcast takes up to 7 weeks longer with the USPS than mail that comes from California or Montana or Maine. You are telling me that you all use mail carriers that move slower than everybody else? Sir, it did not take 8 weeks to receive a sent letter during the 1840s. And they used mules and horses. Yet, you are telling me, and I’ve got witnesses, that it can take 8 weeks to receive something that has been ACTUALLY sent out from your facility.

Him: Yes, sir. I realize that sounds a bit strange, but yes.

Me: Sir, if you send me a letter from Mexico right now, it will get to me in a week. Two, tops. But a letter from inside the continental USA from a Comcast processing center, takes 8 weeks…AFTER its been mailed. Is that what you’re telling me?

Him: Yes, sir. But let me check again…oh wait, no, it was just PROCESSED on July 30. Yes, that’s what happened.

At this point, I hung up the phone sir. That is the most insane and asinine poppycock I’ve ever heard in my life. Your company is terrible. You all have lied to me and made up stories for a check that I should have received in August. It is now October and I’m waiting. Yet, there is no end in sight.

I hate you more than I’ve hated anything else, Comcast. And yet because of where I live I am subject to your abject failure as a company.

While I know that one person hating you due to being given the run arond amounts to nothing to you all. And in the end, I’ll be waiting until I get your check, I felt a need to let you and everybody else know how much I can’t stand your roughshod crap-ass organization. I wish a pox on all of the higher ups and anybody who makes decisions and sends checks.

I would again, like to recommend a raise for Diego. I liked him a lot. Since I was waiting for his manager for so long we talked a lot. Everybody else can go to hell.

Oh, and what the f*ck is Xfinity anyway? It’s the same damn company. Calm down.

Sincerely,

Panama Jackson

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Make sure you tune in tonight to The Blaqout Show as we talk about Breast Cancer Awareness Month and try not to get too ignant. Check us out from 8-10pm on www.blis.fm/theblaqoutshow or streaming at http://blisonline.streamon.fm

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